Have you ever noticed a feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach when you think about being around certain people? Or maybe you have high hopes for an interaction with someone but leave feeling uneasy, anxious, and worse about everything. When these feelings are consistent, it’s possible your interactions with that person are unhealthy.
Illustrations by John Hendrix
Though unfortunate, it is not unusual for us to encounter such situations in our human experience. But they still must be addressed—and the first step to having healthier relationships that honor your own God-given dignity is to acknowledge when interactions with a certain person are harmful.
This isn’t easy. As Christians, we are called to love as Christ loved us. But sometimes we misinterpret this calling as needing to be constantly available and open to others, even in situations where people have repeatedly hurt us. We have to remember that Jesus called us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Mark 12:31). Loving ourselves and protecting ourselves from patterns of harm will allow us to then love our neighbors more fully.
Some relationships are truly toxic and unsafe, and those should be navigated with a professional. But for everything else—the family member who you love but consistently talks down to you, the dear friend who harshly judges your choices, the coworker who takes all the credit—for those messy situations, we need guidance for how to move forward. That’s why we created this guide—to give you tools to navigate complicated relationships in a way that is healthy and honors both parties. It’s possible that the relationship will never be fully healed or perfectly healthy, and we want to help you figure out how to manage that ambiguity. Our hope is that you’ll feel equipped to face unhealthy patterns and that healing comes in some form or fashion—for both you and the other person.
Name and Understand the Patterns
When you start to notice that being around a certain friend or a family member always makes you feel miserable, the first step is to look more closely at what is going on. Take a deep breath and rely on the Holy Spirit, who is present with you. Then examine what it is about your pattern of interaction that’s unhelpful. You may need to do this in the safe presence of a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor. Sometimes it helps to have an outside set of eyes to help you see unhealthy behaviors for what they are. Reflect on the following questions:
What are the things that this person is doing or saying (or not doing or saying) that feel hurtful to you?
In what situations does this negative behavior come up?
How does the behavior affect you? How does it affect your relationship?
Is there anything you may or may not be doing to encourage the behavior?
When you begin to name unhealthy patterns, this puts space between you and the person or situation that previously wasn’t there. It provides some breathing room and helps you to realize that you’re not powerless. Through the power of Christ in you, you have the agency to respond in loving, healing, and life-giving ways.
It’s also important to remember that relational patterns are not solely interpersonal. They often arise out of larger social histories. We are all wounded by events outside our control—divisive politics, discrimination, war, violence, and the pressure to conform to rigid ideals of worldly success or religious piety. In other words, sin has affected all levels of relationship, from interpersonal to societal. The person in front of you has also been wounded and has absorbed the effects of sin. When we recognize this, we begin to understand that another person’s negative behavior is not the only defining factor to consider. He or she is not beyond repair. Christ’s redemptive work is possible in this person’s life, in your relationship, and in the wider community.
Set Healthy Boundaries
After we recognize unhealthy patterns, we can take action to minimize their impact on us. We can set boundaries around our engagement with those people and choose to be present in manageable doses. This may be very uncomfortable if you are used to saying yes all the time to this friend or family member’s requests. It may feel as if you’re being unloving. But keep Scripture’s mandate in mind: Love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31). It’s loving and wise to set healthy boundaries.
People tend to think of relationship boundaries as a brick wall that completely shuts someone out. Instead, try imagining your personal boundaries as a fence with a gate. There are times to open the gate and let someone in, and there are also appropriate times to close it for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. You have permission to manage the gate as you see fit.
For example, you might decline some invitations and requests or accept them in a “boundaried” way:
“Yes, I’ll visit you, but I will need to head out after an hour.”
“Okay, we’ll show up for Thanksgiving, but we need to agree beforehand that we’re not going to get into politics.”
“Sure, we can hang out, but it’s not helpful for me when you make comments about [my appearance, my spouse, our church, this group of people, etc.]. If you start doing that, I will have to leave.”
The other person may get upset and ask you to explain yourself. Pray for God’s discernment on how much to share. Sometimes an honest conversation can begin to shift patterns, if the other person is open to it. At other times, you may encounter defensiveness and anger. If you anticipate that the conversation won’t be helpful, it’s okay to say so. You don’t always need to explain why you’ve set boundaries. You can simply establish them—firmly and lovingly.
Find Practices to Release the Harm
In unhealthy relationships, we are inevitably impacted by the other person’s hurts and pain. This is part of the human experience. However, we don’t need to hang on to any lingering effects of negative relationship patterns. Christ has borne the burden of sin for us (1 Peter 2:24). We no longer need to bear this burden on our own but can release it to our loving Savior.
How can we allow Jesus to carry our relationship burdens? Here are a range of practical suggestions. Because our bodies and souls are intertwined, physical practices as well as mental exercises can be a helpful part of our whole-person healing.
Share your thoughts with other trusted Christians. Allow the body of Christ to bear this burden with you (Gal. 6:2).
Practice healing movement. This can be in the form of running, walking in the woods, dancing, or any other forms of exercise that feel good for you. As a counselor friend often says, “We carry our issues in our tissues.” Trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk has another helpful way of looking at this idea. In his book by the same name, he frames it as “The body keeps the score.” When we encounter something painful or threatening, our body responds with a surge of chemicals commonly known as “a fight or flight response.” In our everyday lives, we no longer need to run from a large predator such as a tiger, but the practice of moving can help our bodies process these chemicals and come back to a baseline equilibrium instead of staying on high alert.
Try creative expression. This may include journaling, crafting, or playing an instrument. Give yourself space with your preferred artistic medium to process the relational baggage in God’s presence—not only logically in your brain but also intuitively with your whole self.
Reflect—with your imagination. In the children’s book Isaiah and the Worry Pack, author Ruth Goring describes the power of “encounter[ing] God through an open-ended imaginative narrative.” In her book, a worried boy shows Jesus his backpack full of blocks, a symbol of all his worries. And then he is finally able to fall asleep.
Here are some ideas to help you try this kind of reflection:
What if you imagined yourself in the company of this person with whom you have a complicated relationship, and then imagined Jesus joining the two of you? What form would the negativity take? What would Jesus do with it?
How would Jesus interact with your friend or family member?
How would Jesus interact with you? How would you respond?
No matter how messy the situation, Christ says to each one of us, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:28-30 NIV). Jesus’s invitation doesn’t necessarily mean He will change the person who harms you. But it does mean He promises to help you navigate the situation.
Remember, relationships are complicated, and there’s no simple, overnight solution for whatever unhealthy patterns we might face. But we don’t have to rush. In fact, God would likely encourage us to “hasten slowly”—to initiate some kind of action but with care, unhurried expectations, and trust in Him. So maybe you’ll begin by observing your feelings of anxiety in the person’s presence. The next day you might take the next step and pray for wisdom to discern boundaries, and so on. That’s all we can do—the rest is up to God.
As we offer our strained relationships, pain, and burdens to Him, we will discover a freedom and ease that we were missing before. We will find options in what once felt like dead-end relationships, and we’ll be able to approach friends and family members in ways that are healthier and more life-giving—ways that ultimately point to Christ.
